Sunday, December 06, 2009

Selling Yourself and Other Profitable Endeavors

After reading a number of blogs and being a frequent visitor to and participant in social networking events, I realize that the information here might not be bloggy enough, so I’m turning over a new leaf. Hell, I’d probably even turn over a whole tree if it weren’t winter. As you know, though, all the leaves are brown and the sky is gray.

I’ve decided that I’m too serious, that my posts are too ho-hum and therefore unread. To quote some commenters, this makes me “uncared about” and “unloved” (and a huge wall of sadness descends upon him and smites him soundly about the head and shoulders).


So I’m trying to change. Change seems to be popular. I get my oil changed, and I change undies and socks on a regular basis. I’ve even, on occasion, changed my mind but not too often. Change is still in the air even though cold winds are blowing.

The promise of change (which scares the hell out of most people) got President Obama elected. The seasons change, though I personally would like it to stay summer all year long. At least that’s the way I feel when it begins getting cold and the weight of something beyond shorts and a tee weighs heavily on my soul, not to mention my body.

We are witnessing change as we speak with the rapidly approaching cold season. H1N1 is change as it was once called bird flu, which was way too plain. H1N1 has a resonance to it—a ring tone like chime. I like the letter and number combination better. Sounds almost like a password to get into something fun, doesn’t it?

How about Harlequin? Fooled you. No, I’m not going to wax on about Harlequin because by now that’s old news. I was sorry they backed down though, but I do understand. After all, having a huge group of women (and Miss Snark) upset at you isn’t something I’d want.

So what about e-books? They’re thinking of mating Kindle with kindling. How about them apples? Change enough for ya, big fella? I’m thinking batteries are what should be changed. My laptop fizzles after a couple of hours, but my book still works after many hours of having it open across my face as I nap. But nobody is interested in that crap, are they? I can hear the inhaling of breath and the poised waiting from here. You promised—you—you—you. . .

Okay, here goes. You’re not going to make a name for yourself unless you’re a crook or were selected to run for the vice presidency and failed. Who is Sarah Palin anyway? Where in hell did she come from and should we care? She’s an interesting study in how to create a brand-name considering she came in like a breath of cold air and settled right in our faces in such a short period of time. Some say she’ll make 10 million this year and that’s a bunch of cash. Maybe that will be enough to buy her some hunting accessories, like a new helicopter and a Gatling gun (a running moose can be a tough target). When thinking of making things up and stepping on one’s tongue, Sarah Palin will always come to mind.

Then we have Glenn Beck, the afternoon resident loudmouth of the Fox Network. How many book deals does he have now? You should take note on how to tell lies and become famous. Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t know his name and mostly not in a nice way?

Hopefully, there is an easier way to build a name for yourself.

Getting known without embarrassing yourself on national television would be the way I’d want to do it. Have you considered a blog? There’s multiple instances where blogging gets one out there. The most recent was a book deal from bloggers Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan. They’re considered fashion-watchdogs and their blog is Go Fug Yourself. And, of course, they wrote a YA novel entitled SPOILED about two newly acquainted half-sisters navigating a Ridgemont High-like high school in Beverly Hills, while also vying for the attention of their buffoonish movie star father. So why should a blog about celebrity fashion featuring hunks and hotties be popular with teens? Think about it!

If you don’t like blogging, consider a Web site. Be social on Twitter or Facebook. Anything else? There has to be more and there is. You need to get out more. Quit writing so much. Do something rash so others can make fun of you. You’re not full of yourself enough—go get full. Become known for something besides writing. That’s boring, you know? At least until you make a million dollars. Do something. Try to be somebody. Be known for something besides pounding out words. Reading about it on Twitter bores the hell out of most. Get a hold of public persona so you can sell what you’ve written instead of stacking stuff under your bed. Stacks of stuff, known as slush, creates dust mites. Your world doesn’t need more dust mites. It needs more visibility in today’s fishbowl society.

So waddaya think? Advice abounds everywhere, so I thought I’d try something new. I’m calling it non-advice. You’ll probably find it under the definition for nonsense. And this new blogging style is called rambling. I copied it from other blogs I’ve read. Hope you like it.



lexcade said...

hmm... you bring up a good point, robert. perhaps instead of focusing on a positive image for myself, i'll start hunting down homeless people for sport and call it "cleansing" or ensuring the safety of the population's dollar from the ravenous homeless man who just needs a little help.

or perhaps i'll pick a particular person to write inane lies about... i can see it now. MEATLOAF, you're in the bullseye!

great stuff.

Jim MacKrell said...

I believe in the motto: "If its going to be, its up to me..." I love your blog and especially like the fact that you, like Joe Friday (now that dates me doesn't it?) just give us the facts. There are way too many agendas hidden on a lot of the publishing blogs. Your doesn't fit that category...keep up giving us, just the facts ma'am..."

DebraLSchubert said...

Okay, I'm hooked. Send me the first 50 pages and a synopsis. No, seriously I LOVE this post - funny, laid back, and politically correct. (Love the bits about Sarah "Moosehead" Palin and Glen "Bite Me" Beck.)

I'll be following you now, so you better behave. (Oh,and I'll be RTing this, too.) ;-)

The Voice said...

I like it. Seems like you covered everything I have heard or read within the past week or so and it was more entertaining coming from you.

Anonymous said...

I like this rant...:)

M.B. Sandefur said...

lmfao @ the first two

Bernita said...

H1N1 was originally called swine flu in the popular media - which unfortunately led some to think they could get it from eating pork and even led to trade embargoes.
The shift to the more clinical term was emphasised to avoid unfortunate perceptions by the public, not for euphonious reasons.

ChristaCarol said...

Hah! Brilliant! I'm glad you've realized your flaws in the blogging world ;-) This by far was very entertaining, and I actually read the entire thing.

But now I'm sad. I have to go get a life? Can't people just know I'm wonderful and exciting and ooze with awesomeness without being a bloated, rash, attention seeking writer? Man, that blows! Perhaps I can send my kids somewhere for a week, withdraw all my savings, and fulfill my bucket list!

Ah, who am I kidding. I'm perfectly content hacking away at my keyboard with kids hanging off my legs while dinner might be burning, pretending I'm entertaining enough in the world of social networking. ;)(and dang, I really need to curb my addiction of smilies).

Thanks, Agent Robert! I'll be checking back much more frequently. And change, my friend, is always, usually, most likely, a good thing.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I admit, I'm addicted to Twitter. Probably should just flipping write but no I'm too curious to read what's going on out there. Twitter's been great for that and getting some leads on what's going on in the YA/MG world.

Eva Ulian said...

Robert,In spite that you are my favorite man on Twitter, I haven't called in here much and now realize I have been missing out on how to build my platform- just like erecting the planks in Venice when the waters get high... I'm simply just getting sopping wet... So I'll be back- Meantime, I'm hanging on out there, just about.